Breakups are the worst. You weep, you order pizza, you wallow, you order some more pizza…
But how do you know when you’re ready to bite the bullet and move onto pastures Tinder?
It takes 11 weeks to feel the benefits of a breakup, according to a study in The Journal of Positive Psychology.
But, what if after those 11 weeks you still find yourself thinking about your former lover when you hit the pillow?
If your stomach sinks when you hear their name, does this mean you’re bound to love them for eternity? Or is that normal? Will you ever feel normal again? What is normal?
If you find yourself asking any of the above questions, it’s likely that you’re still in the midst of a post-breakup mourning haze – i.e. don’t update your dating bio just yet.
You obsess over them on social media
Obviously if you find yourself scouring your ex’s Instagram feed late at night, it’s time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask: do I want to be that person?
The person who obsesses over their ex’s social media activities? The person who can’t live without knowing whether their ex is in a new relationship that’s been social media-certified? Does it really matter whether they had avocado toast of pancakes for breakfast?
If you catch yourself between a rock and a hard hashtag, it’s time to unfriend and unfollow.
You think about them when you’re drunk
When your bloodstream is 70 per cent Merlot and your “inhibitions” are a distant memory, it can be all too easy to commit the ultimate cardinal sin of relationships past: the drunken phone call – or worse still – the drunken voicemail.
Put simply: don’t do it.
Not only will you wake up plagued by the shame and regret of your carefree prosecco-ed persona, the passive aggressive “big night?” text you’ll receive as a response will only exacerbate your raging hangover.
You compare potential new dates to them
“Ugh he’s 6’2…Mark was 6’5…”
“She’s a GP? Jessica was a heart surgeon…”
It never bodes well to play compare and contrast when it comes to finding yourself a new snuggle buddy.
If you’re swiping right because they remind you of an ex, then Houston, we have a problem.
You feel elated when you see they’ve watched your Instagram story
Jilted boyfriends/girlfriends love nothing more than a passive aggressive marker of letting you know that they’ve got their eye on you, whether you like it or not.
Thankfully, you can prevent them from checking up on you like an insipid parent by simply clicking the little cross next to their name when you’ve seen they’ve watched one of your stories.
Do this, immediately.
You refer to the break up as a “break”
For those of you who might not be familiar with the epochal “we were on a break” jingle circa Ross and Rachel from Friends, leaving the “up” out of break up can lead to severe misunderstandings i.e. sleeping with “the hot girl from the Xerox place” whilst in relationship purgatory.
If you’re mistaking a lost cause for limbo, you’ve got a case of the denials my friend.